More than a decade ago, we were so concerned when 2pac told us Brenda had a baby - today, so does Karen, Monique, LaLa, and the little girl down the street. What if the state passed a law to keep these raggamuffins in the condoms, out the uterus, which generally means off the streets? Just think: Women, and men, should have IQ score greater than 90, be able to read higher than high school level; meaning not too many pauses nor reading like your actually reading off something, both partners should be working at full-time employment for at least 6 months, up-to-date state ID or Drivers’ License, criminal background checks, must I go on? I doubt every parent was at the point in their life where they wanted to be when they had their child, but now people just having children without thinking like it’s a trend. Having children is the new skinny jeans!!!!

Not too long ago, I wonder why a fellow blogger was uninterested in having any children. I have a child so of course I know it’s joyful, however I’m slowly feeling the same way he felt when it comes to having a second one.

I believe God put me here for a purpose, whatever that purpose may be - I have goals and aspirations that I would love to achieve while I’m still with some youth. Everyone’s life is not to be made up of “child is born- goes to school, graduates - gets great job - marries - has kids - raise them - lives happily ever after.” I desire to pursue another happiness and though children are a blessing, it makes the aspiration process slower.

Last year I fell out with my former best friend over her boyfriend. Recently she has contacted me to possibly rebuild our friendship. The first time I talked to her since the falling out she told me that she had been pregnant and had an abortion because she wasn’t ready for anymore children (she already has a son). Then the second time we’ve talked, which was just last week, after all the extra chitterchat, she tells me she’s pregnant. Remembering the last time she said she was, my initial response was, “Again?!” Sorry, nope, no congratulations. Just, “Again?” Long story medium: I rarely talk to her now, but these are the things wrong with this picture (I even tweeted this):

1. Her son’s father is MIA: If you have a relationship like this, I believe you have to carefully screen (and really get to know) the next mate to have kids with, especially if you don’t want to go down that road again. Sometimes it happens, you cannot stop a father from leaving his child.
2. Neither parent has a decent job: From what she says, she makes “okay” money but obviously it’s not enough if she talking about trying to collect unemployment from the job she was fired from. He rarely gets any hours at his.
3. He has 3 children already whose lives he is not seriously involved in. Gold Star for you former friend! Dude is 23, had his first child at 15. Side-eye these guys who say to women: “I don’t know if the child is mine”. That should not stop you. Have you ever heard of a DNA test? Yes, he used that line as an excuse for not taking responsibility of the second one. It’s a shame when women fall for it.
4. They are not married: Everyone does not live the traditional way of raising kids but if you’ve stated you want something different; a family. Why would you bring another child in the world out of wedlock? She mentioned having a wedding. Why didn’t you think about getting married first, then have unprotected sex. Instead you chose to conceive now you have to rush getting married because “you want a family and don’t want to be a babymama with 2 kids”. This is one of the reasons why the divorce rates are so high today.
5. I doubt they are in love: Really like, needing to be with and in love are different things. They met years before, reconnected in June 2008 and now she’s been pregnant by him twice. Since I know what type of emotions this woman carries, I doubt she is in love. She didn’t even mentioned Love. I believe it takes much longer than some time over year to fall in love with someone.
6. One of the reasons she wants to be with him is because he’s good with her son: Being good with/to you should be the first thing. So that’s confirmation that she was just thirsty for a father figure for her son and something to call a family from the get-go. Ladies, stop looking for “babydaddies” for your children.

She keeps in touch with me as if we will become real close as we were. Never. I cut you off so swift and act like you never existed. It’s especially “never” if you get knocked up by a guy I do not like. 

Then I get a call from my cousin who told me my brother will be expecting another child. My sister-in-law posted “her confirmed pregnancy” through a facebook status. Not only was it a shocked because it was my cousin telling me instead of my brother but she’s due in February. Their daughter just turned 1 in August. My thoughts exactly.

Let’s cut to the chase: My sister in law does not work and my brother is providing for everything. One income for a house of 5 now? No. It wasn’t peaches and cream with a house of 3.

So for my dear readers and commenters, let me (a mother) refresh your memory in case you decide this parenting life is for you.

Figure 1. Your money is no longer yours. Well, unless you are a deadbeat (mother or father) who doesn’t pay child support.

Figure 2. Time Management/Balancing
You go to school full-time. If you don’t have a babysitter or full-time support (aka these mothers who throw their children off with the grandmother). You will have to cut out some extracurricular activities… Personally, I have to balance having a social life with motherhood. I don’t always have a babysitter and I never throw my daughter to anybody - Hey, I’ll just have to catch you another time.

Figure 3: The “BabyDoll” Syndrome

I call it the babydoll syndrome because sometimes as parents you look at your child as a possession of such. Trust me. You put the nice name brand clothes on your child so you and others can look back at it. Fathers always feel their son has to look the coolest and mothers feel their daughters has to look the prettiest at times. It’s call an impression. You do it with yourself. To keep this up, you have to have…..

Figure 4: ….extra income. But its not all yours anyway…Revert back to Figure 1.

Figure 5: The other parent. Everything is not perfect.

Figure 6: Stress

In order for your child to consumed the joy in life, you have to be in a good state of mind. Making sure the child is up ready for school while also getting yourself together for your day may be a headache. Getting to know your child’s behavior is something you should be aware of as well. Paying that $100 tuition every month along with the rent, bill and house supplies along with the other can add to stress. If you have a child whose father is MIA, having everything upon your shoulders may be too much as well. My mom and other women succeeded, so ladies keep pushing; doing what you have to do for yours!!!

I’m trying to pursue music and attend school; I cannot drag my daughter to the studio and class, in addition rent has to be paid and I don’t care what they tell you about a B.A., it does not immediately pay the bills. You don’t walk off the stage to a brand new gig, it takes a hunt for it, so right now I have to put other priorities to the side. My daughter’s father and his family are active in her life, however I am her primary caregiver and I make sure the food is on the table and clothes are on our backs. I currently do not have any stress :-), but the point is take care of other things in your life before having a big responsibility as child accompany you, so you won’t feel like it’s a burden.

Aren’t ready for all that yet? He’s ready for you! Think twice. Have a good day!

September 23, 2009, 6:21pm